my lil’ world

January 14th, 2007
Last nite, i felt too tired to stay awake waitin
for da transition seconds to my nu age.
I didn’t plan to do anythin at nite, since i had
done many things at noon, und that’s why i couldn’t help myself not to rest.
I got slept at 9 after listening to Cassie’s song :
long way to go.
……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..
In half of consciousness, i heard my cellphone
rang, da sound didn’t really disturb me cuz da handset was still attached.
I ignored da noise und continued my sleep.
I didn’t care anymore bout people who try to
congratulate me.
……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………
Knock.. knock.. knock.. knock.. knock.. knock..
knock..
Wut da..?
Sumone knocked my room’s door, it was loud.
I wondered who was knockin’.
I got up from my bed, walked into da door, und
opened it.
Ow My.. I juz couldn’t believe who was standing in
fronna da door.
There’s sum1 sayin “ Happy Birthday Tink.. “ while
holdin a cake with 3 li’l candles flaming..
I was like freezin for 2 or 3 seconds starin at him.
I didn’t remember wut i said to him, i guess i said
“ wu..wut r ya doin here ? “
He juz smiled und asked me to make a wish before
blowin  da candles..
Still in my great surprise, i closed my eyes, i
didn’t make a wish, but i made wishes.. 3 or 4 or even 5 things i mentioned in
my heart, hopin God would make it true..
I opened my eyes, lookin carefully to da cake.
There’s writing on it.
“ Happy Birthday 21st T-tink. If u need a friend
and there r 100 steps, u can take the first step 2 get near me and i will take
all 99 steps 2 b there 4 u. Ur truly.. “
I blew da candles..
Happy Birthday to myself.
………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….
I was extremely surprised, excited, touched as
well..
I didn’t intend to make da nite special, but sum1 successfully
made it for me..
…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..
Thank ya for Doddy, my beluved bestfellow, who has
done such a touchy thing..
Who came to Semarang at 11.30 pm, congratulated me
at 12 , spent da first 1,5 hours of my nu age with me und then went back to
jogja at 1.30 am..
U shouldn’t have to do that, but i really luv wut
u’ve given me..
Thank u.. thank u.. thank u.
U r my best.

so..
it’s been a great pleasure to figure out opinions of people out there bout same-gender-sexuality.
i conclude that most people r so not 2 it.
do u know wut i think bout it?
i guess u guys think i hate " that thing " cuz sum1 i luv lives w/ that.
but i dun. i really dun.
gay or lesbian thing isn’t so wrong in my opinion.
it is both innocent und sinful.
innocent since i call it destiny.
who wants 2 b unstraight, anyway?
no one duz.
sinful for breaking nature’s rule (my own hypothesis).
sumtimes i wonder, is that really a sin?
i ever heard sum1 says:
" it duzn’t matter who u fall into, wut important  da most is u luv! "
if that means u fall into a man or a woman, thats gonna b juz owkay.
u must b proud that u r able 2 luv n hopefully b luved in return.
ha3..
wut a bizarre kind of thoughts..
sounds more like defensive reason.
but i do take it fine.
moreover, my obsgyn lecturer said homosexual & lesbianism r not disorders.
those r variants of sexuality.
so..
i want y’all 2 know i dun mind with that.
da previous screams were only about sudden-shocked-action.
shockin’ no more r8 now.
i still luv that guy -howeva he is- till my dyin day.
=)

people ask, wut am i gonna do to him?
leave him?
ohoho.. no way.
help him?
absolutely, that’s a must. (but i worry he duzn’t need my help)
how?
by poisoning his mind with holy things like God?
hm, i dun think it will work. he knows well that God always keep eyes on him. he realizes God won’t like his living. he even does prayers. he understands.
then how?
i dun know. i’ve told him lots of influencing statements und other uncountable words that probably would b succeed 2 touch his heart. yeah it worked a lil’ but not so long.
nothin’s significant.
no gain.
too blind 2 see d logic, i guess.
now i have nothin left 2 say.
i’m juz gonna support him, any path he undergoes.
it’s not that i surrender.
a faith in me still remains.
he won’t live it in his entire life.
we’ll c.
—————————————————————————————————–
replace me in this case.
wut must u do?
am i such moron to do that "wait und see" ?

i’ve neva imagined life would b this hard..
he never admitted it, even 2 me, a great secret keeper he could trust.
yet i knew, sumthin’s changed, he’s changed.
" leave him! get rid of that nasty world! stop it.. quickly, b4 u’re drown 2 deep.."
i said so, over n over again. hoping it’s not 2 late 2 wake him up from his unconsciousness.
he said he couldn’t.. it’s love, he named it.
he never knew how heart-breaking it was, 2 hear such unexpected word: LOVE!
felt like a part of my world falls.
i thought it was only a game he played.
but no, its real..
it always makes me wonder, wut sort of life he will have ?
——————————————————————————————————
have u ever imagined that sum1 u luv suddenly become a homosexual?
guess u’ve neva.
und betcha neva.

wooowwwwwww…

can’t wait 2 be back 2 ma beloved city, banjarmasin.

i luv that place though it’s so old school, slowly develop.

hey where da hell r u government? da city should be wealthy n grow up quickly w/ all da stuffs that its nature has..

well..howeva da city looks like, i miss it in my each day..

i miss home, my fam, my bestfellas, all da memories i’ve been through, und again, da city itself.

oct 21.. c’m 2 mamaaa..

this is my lil’ world..

da tiny space i’ve been livin’ for my whole time..

i’ll let anyone figures out wut’s inside..

recognize me inner und outter..